I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
