can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
