he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
