So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're like the curious george of whores
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
