I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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