My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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