it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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