you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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