So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
