They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
