Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
