Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
