Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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