I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
