Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
