I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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