dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
