my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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