So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
