Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
