so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
