Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
