his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
