OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
