I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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