I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
