1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
