i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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