Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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