Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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