dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
