If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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