You're completely useless in the revolution.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
