Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
