TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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