So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And then he peed in my hair
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