My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
