so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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