So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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