I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
