Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
