just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
