I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
