I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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