i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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