Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
