If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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