theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
