He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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