Screwed.edu
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
