The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
