Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
